Ugh...
Need I really say more about this horrid excuse for a film???

 Angry Rating:

SYNOPSIS:  

Vampire babies... Not even going there...

WARNING: SERIOUS RANT TO FOLLOW

REVIEW:  

I have told people again and again - I do not have a personal vendetta toward Stephenie Meyer. She is a writer who is doing what she loves - WRITING (and getting paid for it). I do - however, have a vendetta toward bad story telling and those who publish it. Twilight, in my opinion (and those of many others) is a crystal clear definition of bad story telling. Unredeemable, bland, disgusting characters with little or no personality. Flat, stale story-telling at best. 

This film not only degrades women, but it also makes Edward look like a complete jerk. Selfish, hollow, uncompassionate - JERK. Topics are being thrown - such as abortion - that really shouldn't be taken this lightly. There are some serious repercussions to the events in this film and they play out like a horror movie with no solid ground for what should in fact be VERY WELL DEVELOPED characters and PLOT.The movie made me - as a woman - feel disgusting, violated, sick, sad, horrified, angry - you name it. I wanted to stake Edward myself and slap Bella in the face for being so naive. I’ve never seen a more distasteful movie in my entire life.. (wait... there was clockwork orange.. but...) *shakes head*... no, this was PRETTY bad. 

For a genre that should not blatantly try to be political (It’s being shoved down kids throats, after all), it certainly is doing a good job of dabbling in things it has no business soliciting to our teenagers.I cannot express my hatred for this film enough. The first few were – AT BEST – FUNNY... this one... just utterly horrifying and disgusting.

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BOTTOM LINE:  If you want to watch a seemingly "Real-time" snobish wedding and the "aftermath" (read: honeymoon - including a pretty sad (need I say comical) love-scene) - go ahead... try this. If you want something with plot/purpose/taste/class ... watch ANYTHING else.
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Welcome to the first issue of "RAPID RANTS" where you'll find a quick rundown on recent reviews!

This weeks "rants" include:
Rio
The Help
Sucker Punch
Priest (3D)

RIO (2011)
Cute, Comical and Colorful, but definitely not a classic.

.

  Angry Rating:

It wasn't too childish, or too crude. Rio was a good stab at a cute children's flick, but I feel that it failed to capture that golden-hearted "loveable" nature that makes a classic, well... a classic.

 The Help (2011)
Sweet, whole-hearted and honest, The Help is a good ol' fashioned slice of life movie. 

  Angry Rating:

The Help, was a good movie, overall, and had a genuine message to say, but I felt it was a little winded. The book most likely keeps ones attentions span busier than than 140 minute movie. Though it did not come across as preachy, it's generality causes it to miss the mark by a pinch.

Sucker Punch (2011)
Twisted, fantastical and unique, Sucker Punch takes the audience on a wild journey through the mind of Babydoll.

  Angry Rating:

Sucker Punch was an interesting concept all-around. The graphics were decent, the acting, sub-par (save Vanessa Hudgens - I think I am starting to officially dislike her). The main issue with this movie is the lack of real soul. You're left feeling sorry in the end and almost a little betrayed by the strange turn of events throughout the film becausen (right from the start) you know how it will end. It's a good shot at something original - and I'm glad to know it WAS original, but there was just a little something missing from this epic journey...

Priest (3D) (2011)
Mediocre at best, this movie's attempt at a fantasy-action vampire-flick -  flops.

Angry Rating:

Okay, Okay - it wasn't AS BAD as Twilight. There, I said it! I'll admit, I saw this in the theatre...hoping it would be a fun watch. It wasn't a terrible movie, nor was it a good movie, or a fun movie, or ... anything. It was just there. The graphics are decent, 3D wasn't worth the eyestrain or the extra $3 bucks, and the "action-packed" trailers were about all Priest had going for it. The acting was okay, though a little stale and the general tone of the movie needed some salt and maybe even extra butter.

A good old-fashioned friday night horror, Fright Night will satisfy your craving for a little fun and gore any day of the week!

 Angry Rating:

Dreamworks II
Release Year: 2011  

SYNOPSIS:  

There's a new neighbor in town and he's got serious bite.

REVIEW:  

I have to say I wasn't expecting much when I popped into the theatre to see this on a Sunday afternoon, nor was I anticipating that it would have gotten the reviews it did from critics. For once, I'm jumping (more like sneaking) on the band wagon with this movie and giving it a good 3.5 stars. It was better than average, entertaining, and well made.

For a so-called "horror" movie, the Fright Night remake offered audiences less nudity, gore and language than your average addition to this genre and this certainly made me happy. If you can't tell a good story by not being just plain nasty - maybe your story needs work.

The characters in this film were well rounded, decent actors and actresses who had good chemistry overall and worked well with the story.

Though I would have liked a bit more "vampire" action in this movie, Colin Farrell made a pretty hot impressive vampire and I'm glad he was able to channel the true irony of vampire humor into his role.

This movie is marketed as a comedy horror. There are a few jokes here and there, but not enough to spoil the fun of it. I had a good time watching it and didn't feel ripped off or disappointed when the credits rolled. The plot may not be the richest out there, but most "monster movies" aren't known for their thoughtfulness.

If you like vampires - go see this.

If you like horror movies - it will give you a laugh.

If you liked Twilight . . . you're on your own.

Plot: 3/5
Graphics: 5/5
Characters: 4/5
Originality: 3/5
Music: 3/5 

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BOTTOM LINE:  Worth the money when you want to get out of the house and have a little fun at the movies! Fright Night, the remake, is more tolerable than the original to a modern audience and offers a good (relatively low obscenity) alterative to some of today's more graphic horror movies.
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Not bad, not great. If you're a thinker - The Adjustment Bureau might leave you doing just that...

 Angry Rating:

Universal Pictures
Release Year: 2011  

 SYNOPSIS:  

A politician and an aspiring dancer find themselves in a helpless circle of romance in which their star-crossed love seems destined to fail no matter what. It seems other forces are at work to keep them apart.   

REVIEW:  

At first, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to get through this entire movie - it started a little slow and things just didn't seem interesting. The plot itself, as purveyed from the trailers, seems sketchy, transparent at most and is reminiscent of the "final destination" scenario that you "can't escape fate".

The story picks up when David (Matt Damon) meets Elise, the girl of his dreams who sweeps him off his feet and accidentally changes the course of David's life (referred to in this movie as simply "the plan").

A (twisted guardian-angel-like ) group of men (in suits and hats, mind you) confront David's attempts to reunite with Elise and reveal to him that if he continues to toy with his "plan" by getting together with her, they will "adjust" his fate. They continue on to explain that the meeting of the two was meant to be fleeting and that pursing an actual "relationship" with her was "not in the plan".

Instead of "resetting" him (turning him into a vegetable), they decide to bargain for his silence about their kind in return for a promise that he will give up his search for the woman he is mysteriously drawn to.

So 75% of this movie is chase scenes, where we find David avoiding "the Bureau" in any way he can, and the rest is a muddle of romance whenever he and Elise happen upon each other despite the Bureaus warnings.

I'm not going to say this movie isn't original, but it does feel somewhat familiar. By the end of it, you will be left with some interesting thoughts about who really does control our fates and whether we have the power to truly deviate from them... Free will, anyone?

Slow at first, but picks up eventually and thrusts the viewer into a montage of matrix-like chase scenes with the last chase being pretty original. If you can get through the first thirty minutes, you'll enjoy the interesting turn of events throughout the carefully tailored "can't escape your fate" movie.

For those of you who find the new installments of Final Destination to be too gruesome, than this is a good 2nd - if you take out the entire idea that life is trying to brutally murder you at every turn! Okay, so maybe they aren't related at all. Just a thought.

Going with a firm 3/5 for this one.

Plot: 4/5
Graphics: 3/5
Characters: 3/5
Originality: 3/5
Music: 3/5 

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BOTTOM LINE:  Interesting, suspenseful and (hopelessly) romantic - not exactly a date night movie, but not exactly action packed, either. A decent movie in the long run, but only the first time you watch it.
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Too morbid for children and just plain too ignorant for adults. How did this movie get so far? 

 Angry Rating:

Blind Wink Productions, GK Films, Nickelodeon Movies
Release Year: 2011  

 SYNOPSIS:  

A cowardly pet Chameleon is lost in the desert and finds himself in a village facing a horrific drought that threatens the wellbeing of their entire town. Maybe a new sheriff could turn things around? 

REVIEW:  

I'm going to say outright that this movie probably would have tanked if Johnny Depp had not voiced the main character. I don't think I've hated a movie this much since Twilight - and it was a sore disappointment to me considering Nickelodeon was involved in this macabre animated flick clearly targeted towards children.

The animation quality of this film was superb and the detail work marveled some of the best there is to date. Hats off to the animators - not the writers - on this one. I watched this movie in hopes of laughing a little, feeling a little good about nothing and just for fun, but I was quickly disgusted with the level of adult situations and ideas in general. Yes, it is a "Wild West" style movie, but the sheer gruesomeness of many scenes and images got out of hand (ie. a talking severed (road kill) armadillo). Did anyone else find this disturbing??

The graphics in general were just disgusting - I spent more of the movie asking "What the hell is that?" about most of the characters because their grotesquely misshapen forms left me wondering if they were even animals that existed. I was mesmerized by the skill put into the scales and fur of all the critters, but too preoccupied growling with discontent over the wimpy storyline to give this movie any better of a rating.

The storyline is frail and hardly there - 1 sentence - the city water is disappearing and Rango needs to get it back. That's a deep storyline if I ever heard one! The movie could have been 30 minutes, easily, and not lost any of it's plot depth.

So, long story short  (way too long of a story) Rango was a sorry excuse for an animated movie that somehow grossed too much money in theatres - likely due to the lack of decent movies being released lately as it is. Oh, wait, is that Johnny Depp's voice? You'll hardly notice, save the "Don Juan" reference in the beginning of the film. Depp's voice in this film was disposable and could have been replaced by any average Joe for the same effect. Don't waste your money on this one, unless you want to see top-notch graphics at work.

Plot: 2/5 (Kind of original?)
Graphics: 5/5
Characters: 2/5
Originality: 2/5
Music: 2/5 

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BOTTOM LINE: Dark, stomach-turning graphics and horrible-looking creatures might frighten your children and leave your own lips curling with disgust. Rango is NOT a children's movie and shouldn't be treated as one.
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Brutal, dark, vivid, bloody and REAL.
Sound like date-night movie or what?

 
 Angry Rating: 

Egoli Tossell Film, (several others)
Release Year: 2011    

ALTERNATE US COVER (blah!):

SYNOPSIS:  

Set during the time of the bubonic plague outbreak, this film follows a crew of ex-crusaders to a village to investigate an "immaculate" and uninfected village who might just be harboring a necromacing witch.

REVIEW:  

This starts off feeling A LOT like Lord of the Rings with Sean Bean playing and appearing much like his role Boromir, but we soon face the CLEAR storyline difference.

The bubonic plague was a chapter in our time that was fun for no-one, and this cleverly original movie makes that a distinct point. This isn't a movie for the squeamish but it's definitely a movie for those just looking for an interesting watch. The fight scenes are forceful and the drama of it all will leave you wide-eyed.

I'm not much for slasher flicks like Saw and all the others, but the sheer inadvertent horror of Black Death, really hits home. The violence is grotesque and realistic and the "in-your-face" shots make it more effective and frightening, but, the gist of it all takes place just out of view (save a few severed heads). Don't be fooled into thinking that this makes the TERROR of it ANY less effective.

I will also add that the end of the movie (unexpectedly) hits you with a gorgeous hint of mouthwatering controversy - you'll love it!

Eddie Redmayne (Osmund) does a fantastic job in this film - I have to say that I really hope to see him in something else this good in the future. So, if you want to see something that is frightening because of the dark subject matter and not the amount of blood splattered on the camera - this will do it.

Plot: 5/5
Graphics: 5/5
Characters: 5/5
Originality: 5/5
Music: 4/5 

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BOTTOM LINE: Brutal, edge of your seat plotline will have your popcorn getting cold with anticipation. The violence is harsh and potent but much of the visual gruesomeness is kept just out of the shot, which somehow has a way of effectively amplifying the fear of it all. Eat dinner BEFORE you watch this one - else you'll go hungry. __________________________________________________________________________________